If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
