Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
