Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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