I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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