I puked a lego.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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