I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
