Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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