He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
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We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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