I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
