watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
