Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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