Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize