I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
