On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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