the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
