I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
