I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
