Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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