you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize