you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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