Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
