i don't like sucking hair
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
