I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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