Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
