I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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