Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
