you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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