Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
