He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
