In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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