I'm lost and stupid without you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
