Fine. I'll sleep in my office
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
