There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
