two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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