we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Man, jail baloney is awful.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
