What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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