New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
