we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
