Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
