I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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