I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
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Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes