He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
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She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
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Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica