dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.