Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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