there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
