i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
