Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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