i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
