Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
