You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
