So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
