my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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