i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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