I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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