I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
