I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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