RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
