I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
