I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
