I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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