So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
