not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
